If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Never forget.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.