Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

The Backseat Boys

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

12. I think about this all the damn time

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.