Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe