If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.