If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Beauty and the Beast
