If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Lmfaoooooo
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”