If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
This probably isn’t good
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.