If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.