If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”