@TheTimmyToes: If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn't get to go
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@thedad: DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small? ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t. [2AM] ME: WIFE: Go to sleep. ME: What if it is though?
@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams* "THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT" *I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around* "It's his house now"