If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*


The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.


Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.


Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.


It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.


Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot


I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.


Him: Have you ever been so drunk that you…
Me: Yes
Him: But I didn’t finish…
Me: The answer is yes


Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.


Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.