If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
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[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
why am I working on Labor Day
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.