If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane