Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Attacked by a mop.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.