Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.