Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Free him

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.