If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Real 😅
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My patience has stretch marks.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down