If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes