if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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I like crazy people until they notice me
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
what’s more important?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat