if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?