If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Haha! 😂
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.