If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
5 ways to appear taller
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Tell me you get it…🤣
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.