If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
