If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
