If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
You Might Also Like
im gay on my mothers side
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.