If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
