If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this