If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
You Might Also Like
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
