If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…