Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

barbara was highly relatable

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.