If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”