If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber