If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.