If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My flabber has been gasted.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.