If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)