If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick