Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.