Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..