If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

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Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.


me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot


Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.


[At urinal maker store]

Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.

Other urinal maker: K. LOL


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.


If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?


Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”


“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.