Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[At urinal maker store]
Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.
Other urinal maker: K. LOL
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon
Dating is hard.
If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?
76. no fighting
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.