@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

- @Dawn_M_

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@simoncholland

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@DadandBuried

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@junejuly12

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

@rancheroni

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

@TheRealRHB

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe