@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

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@TheMichaelRock

Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.

@TweetPotato314

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@jergarl

[At urinal maker store]

Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.

Other urinal maker: K. LOL

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@Mikecanrant

So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.

@PopeFrancisXXX

If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

@iamspacegirl

“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.