If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*