If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar