If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?