If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
PARKOUR
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think