If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
This is the best one I’ve seen
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.