Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”