If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
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gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
