Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now