If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.