If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke