If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
This is amazing.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
this could fix me
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth