If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
How high do the levels go?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.