Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mariah carrie

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

car not found

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫