If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Happy Taco Tuesday
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.