Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before