If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
You Might Also Like
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My dad is at it again
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs