If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting