If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
What do you hear?