Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

ㅤ

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u