If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
#SaturdayBears
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.