If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My plans: 2020:
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.