If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.