Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

mentally somewhere in italy

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.