Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know