if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Traveler’s camo
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.