if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
🤷♀️
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2