if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Xylophonist Shredding It
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*