If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran