If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I’ve been learning to cook.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?