If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
You Might Also Like
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.