Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]