Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC