Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

a god among men

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost