If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.