If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!